Beer Steak Bullshit

38 year old Kelly Coffman-Lee from Denver, Colorado says she’s a vegan who loves Tofu so much, she wanted a personalized license plate which would clearly express her love for tofu. Because number of letters you can put on a license plate is limited, Kelly Coffman-Lee abbreviated her originally intended “I LOVE TOFU” into ILVTOFU and applied for a vanity license plate with her local DMV (Division of Motor Vehicles). When DMV official saw the tofu license plate and put a big “rejected” sign on it because of possible double meaning. And rightly so.

According to Mark Couch, a spokesman for Colorado Department of Revenue, FU is not allowed on license plates as it can be misrepresented as “street language for sex”. That’s the way he put it, cause he needs to remain politically correct, I’d say it straight: “Bitch says she wants a tofu license plate but she just wants to let everyone know that she’s a horny cougar who wants to fuck”. It’s like re-living If You Seek Amy all over again, only on a smaller scale.

Seriously, I believe DMV made the right decision. Even though the reason they rejected the tofu license plate was because they have strict guidelines they have to follow. According to the officials, they regularly meet in order to make sure license plates are free of letters that abbreviate drug terms, gang slang or obscene phrases. So they really just followed their protocol when they rejected the ILVTOFU, but I read this Kelly Coffman-Lee like an open book and this is what I see:

Kelly Coffman-Lee is a 38 year old woman – in other words, she’s a horny cougar in heat. Her clit is probably size of boar penis with brain of its own and it’s constantly asking to get rubbed. Secondly – I don’t care how much you love tofu, I don’t care if all you ever eat is tofu, I don’t even care if you’re so fond of tofu you stick it up your vagina to masturbate with it. But nobody in the damn world ever wants a tofu license plate – a license plate which would say ILVTOFU – just because of your love for tofu. Regardless of how much you love tofu and how big a part of your life tofu is, nobody would ever want that expressed on their license plate. I’ve seen weird in my time, but nobody is this weird. This Kelly Coffman-Lee is simply one horny MILF who really needs to get it on at all times and love for good fuck is definitely a worthy cause for a vanity license plate. Love for tofu is NOT. It just happened that “I Love To Fuck You” abbreviates to ILVTOFU hence tofu came in as handy excuse. Well, surprise… it didn’t work for you, Kelly Coffman-Lee. You ain’t fooling anyone with that trickery!

Susanne Klatten is the heiress to the BMW empire and the richest woman in Germany. The 46-year-old heiress is also the 55th richest woman in the world, according to Forbes, with personal fortune of over $13 billion (damn). Helg Sgarbi is a 44-year-old Swiss gigolo who is basically a professional seducer. Both Susanne Klatten and Helg Sgarbi are making headlines all over Europe in what many local portals refer to as scandal of the century.

Swiss gigolo Helg Sgarbi, aside from being a professional seducer is obviously also a gold digger extraordinaire. Not only did her get to stick his nasty penis into the vagina of BMW heiress Susanne Klatten, he also videotaped it on camera and threatened to sell the sex tape to the highest bidder, unless Susanne Klatten pays him €49 Million. Helg Sgarbi later reduced the demanded sum to €14, but it was all in vain anyway, since Susanne Klatten has already reported to the authorities who got Helg Sgarbi arrested. He’s now awaiting trial.

Helg Sgarbi, who’s now known all over Europe as “Swiss Gigolo” allegedly blackmailed several wealthy women out of millions of Euros. If convicted, Swiss gigolo could spend up to 10 years in prison. That’s 10 years serving as Bubba’s bitch, instead of filming sex tapes with rich women.

Susanne Klatten is married and has 3 children. Helg Sgarbi used his charm and smooth talked BMW heiress into sucking his cock despite her family being out there. When time came to monetize on an affair with Germany’s richest woman, he told her he needed to borrow money becuase he got in trouble in Florida after hitting a gir with a car. Susanne Klatten secretly handed Swiss Gigolo 7 Million Euro. Later on, Helg Sgarbi that she leaves her family and puts €290 million into trust fund that would pay for their life together. That’s when Swiss gigolo started to cross the line.

Since hot cougar of a MILF showed him the finger, Helg Sgarbi blackmailed her with threats of selling the sex tape he had filmed (here’s hoping it leaks in some form). Now the dude is police custody, awaiting trial. Sounds like a good career anyway. I wander if unattractive, bolding, overweight Canadian from the basement could hook up with Susanne Klatten. I don’t need millions of Euros. Couple thousands to pay off my debt would suffice. What do you think Susanne, I give nice back massage, I swear.

Motherfucking DAMN! Why the fuck were there no MILF teachers willing to give me hand jobs when I was 13 year old. Pisses me off each time I hear about it. Why did shit like that never happen to me? This day ain’t to a good start at all. Anyway… Joan Tuckruskye – pictured in a hot mugshot above is a 44 year old MILF, and a PTA official. PTA of course being the Parent Teacher Association means that the 13 year old kid who rubbed his genital juices with this ho scored extra points.

Joan Tuckruskye was caught half naked in the back seat of her 2008 Nissan Pathfinder with a half naked 13 year old boy. Both had their bottom halves bared – straight for genital juices, fuck the tits. The boy was not identified by the police, but he’s a lucky motherfucker. That can’t be said of Joan Tuckruskye. Something is telling me that her warm seat at the Baldwin PTA is about to expire under her horny ass. She seriously deserves that. Why the fuck would she go have sex with a 13 year old in a parking lot behind the Meadow Elementary School on Northern Boulevard in Nassau. Bitch needs to learn the basics of having sex with minors. Few simple steps:

- never have sex with minors right behind schools
- never leave car’s engine running

It’s that simple. How could she screw up on that? Now instead of being a member of PTA – Parent Teacher Association, she’s gonna become a member of PTUA – Parent Tapping Underage Ass. The kid will have lots of stories to tell and his peers will have hard time taking away his bragging rights. I mean, who would they have to score with in order to beat that kid? High five!

The mother of three Joan Tuckruskye has been charged with endangering the welfare of a child. There is no evidence the couple actually had sex at the back of her SUV. The cop caught them half naked, but not engaging in naughty things. Of course both Joan Tuckruskye and the kid claimed they were just kidding. The kid actually told the police officer that he was 18 year old. Further examination revealed that he was merely 13. Obviously he wanted that 44 year old pussy as much as she wanted his 13 year old cock.

I want to take this opportunity and will point out the obvious – had it been a 44 year old man who was caught at the back seat of an SUV half naked with a half naked 13 year old skank, he’d get fucking castrated. Since it was a woman, she didn’t even go to jail immediately – no bail no nothing. Joan Tuckruskye is not even gonna serve time, she’s gonna get probation and that’s it. Maybe a slap on the wrost. That’s what “endangering a minor” means to me. It definitely doesn’t sound the same as “sex offender” which would have been the name for the man caught with a 13 year old pussy hole.

What a worthless waste of cover page. Jennifer Anniston made a desperate attempt at pulling off “the sexy” and stripped naked for the cover of GQ but it’s all just one big fat fail cause we can’t see shit. No nipples, no labia, not even motherfucking areola. What a let down. I call for redo of the GQ cover. We need some sex there, not mindless tease.

I’ve been desperately trying to find a reason to like Jennifer Anniston ever since the beginnings of Friends but I can’t. She’s just one worthless, mediocre looking piece of naked ass with fugly feet (just look at this cover).

And since Jennifer Anniston is on the cover of GQ, it goes without saying that the GQ whores made an interview with her and there is no interview with Jennifer Anniston without dabbing into the whole Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie bullshit. And what did the smart ass Jennifer Anniston say? She called it an “insane Bermuda Triangle”. Her manager must have told her what to say. I don’t think she has a clue where Bermuda Triangle is.

Jen also told GQ that she’s more confident with herself now that she’s 39 than when she was in her 20s or 30s. I never realized she was a MILF. She’s still that crazy ho from Friends who pretends to be a teen to me. Obviously, not even if you live in Hollywood the time stops for you. She must have a giant collection of MILF vibrators at home.

Shit like that really pisses me off. Why did I not have a teacher like Victoria Ann Chacon. This 27 year old cougar bought a cell phone, gave it to some minor kid and started sending him topless pics of herself. Moronic kid must not have got the memo. If I had a MILF teacher sending me naked pics of herself to a cell phone she bought for me, I’d reply with an sms message with directions to a closest dumpster so I can get my first anal sex experience. Victoria Ann Chacon – that name itself gives me an itch. Fucking annoying shit – why teachers like that never taught at schools I’ve attended?

Victoria Ann Chacon, a teacher of the Somerset Independent School District was charged with distributing harmful material to a minor and was dismissed. The moronic kid to whom she was sending topless pics was not her student. Still moronic.

Victoria Ann Chacon allegedly met the 14 year old San Antonio boy at the church (I should start attending church masses if that’s where all horny cougars who want to fuck go).

Brooke Burke owned Dancing with the Stars 7 last night. Scoring 23 out of 30, Brooke Burke is leading the dancing competition. I don’t normally watch Dancing with the Stars – it blows whale stiff cock, but Brooke Burke is a MILF with 4 kids and still so hot. Her well trained vagina must be capable of muscle contractions that would make me squirt out of my ears.

While Brooke Burke dominated kick off of the seventh season of the Dancing with the Stars, there were some other remarkable performances worth mention too. In particular Cloris Leachman, who only scored 16, but put her leg up on the judge’s table, kneeled in front of Len Goodman and graced the lap of Carrie Ann Inaba with her ass. Cloris Leachman is 82 year old

Below is the video of Brooke Burke Kicking Ass on Dancing with the Stars 7

Brooke Burke Image Credit: AP

Sharon Stone has crazy hard nipples. She’s a hot MILF like no other. 50 year old but easily hotter than most younger chicks. And let’s not forget the finest body part of this MILF – Sharon Stone Pussy Bulge. This bitch has crotch that looks like crotch of Ron Jeremy. I’d still hit that.

But let’s talk about Sharon Stone crazy hard nipples for a second. So casual, so candid and so hard. Damn, she must have been having sex over phone, her snatch was probably leaking wet with pussy juices and smelled of sex in miles radius. Horny dogs were gathering around to see which bitch is so horny she gives out this smell of love. Sharon Stone is the pinnacle of sex. I want to have sex with her before I die. Hope she won’t pull tae kwon do on my ass…

Jenny McCarthy is so fine. Definitely one of the hottest, if not THE hottest MILF in Hollywood. She’s just perfect, she’s fun, good looking, dresses up without making herself look slutty, never goes over the top with her hair or make up. Plus look at that body – that’s one fine Mom I’d Like to Fuck.

Let’s talk about her nipple for a second. I’m not a big fan of big boob, I prefer them smaller and perky, but those hard nipples of Jenny McCarthy are looking at me and talking to me. You can never go wrong with tight jeans and black tank top without a bra if you’re a famous Hollywood Milf, because flashes of paparazzi always make otherwise opaque black look see through. Those nipples are worth it. Jim Carrey is a lucky bugger. He get’s to fuck Jenny McCarthy, the hottest Milf in Hollywood.