Beer Steak Bullshit

When Portland, Oregon police officers pulled over a car driven by Kevin Signalness, they found him with his pants unzipped and a pornographic magazine laid on the passenger seat. Kevin Signalness admitted to masturbating while driving. I wasn’t aware of any law prohibiting masturbation during driving, but judging by the mugshot, it is illegal and the masturbating driver was taking in by the police before he could wreak havoc on the road making sure he milks his member dry.

You know, at one point in my life, I saw a vibrating vagina with power connector that plugs into a car lighter. It was intended for car drivers so they could enjoy an intimate moments while still keeping their hands on the steering wheel. I’d say Kevin Signalness needs one of those.

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Couldn’t have happened to better people, right? I mean… just look at the mugshots and you’ll have to agree. These two definitely strike me as hard working contributors to the society who deserve the $190 Million fortune. Nevermind the fact that Holly Lahti sports a black eye in her mugshot. It was an art adjustment by her estranged husband’s fist. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, shall we?

Whole America was on their toes when Mega Millions lottery jackpot reached $380 Million over the New Year’s Eve period. People flocked to their neighborhood convenience shops to buy a ticket for their chance at this amazing mass of cash. And two of them struck jackpot. We’re only gonna focus on one – 29 year old Holly Lahti.

Holly Lahti lives in Rathdrum, Idaho where she’s worked at the bank since 2007. She’s been married to Joshua Lahti for more than 10 years and gave birth to two of his daughters. Things were not going well between the two and one day they both ended up at the police station. Both were charged with batter but the charges were eventually dropped. Holly had her face bruised when the mugshots were taken.

Joshua Lahti has crossed path with law enforcement more than a dozen times and his criminal record contains several juicy items, including domestic battery, buying alcohol for a minor and drug possession. Buying alcohol for a minor? Really?

Holly Lahti and her husband Joshua have separated and lived estranged lives, but never divorced and as such remain legally married. And now Holly hit the big jackpot, won herself $190 Million yet she still has a husband and if I recall correctly, he may claim half of it for himself if she decides to divorce him. He could also insist on living with his wife since she’s his wife, right? Either way, Holly Lahti seems to be caught between a rock and a hard place, however, even if she were to spend half of this fortune on lawyers to ensure that her husband gets none of it, she’ll still end up being really well off. I suppose it’s not that bad in the end. Could not have happened to a nicer couple, though. Could not!

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Remember Miranda Tozier-Robbins from American Idol season 5? Yeah, me neither. Well, the 26 year old ex American Idol contestants went crazy when she decided to stalk Britney Spears at her private residence in Calabasas. Security personnel guarding the property of Britney Spears noticed a camouflage wearing person creeping around the windows to the residence, went to check out on the situation and found Miranda Tozier-Robbins taking peeks inside, while carrying a backpack with a video camera inside. That must be the most boring celebrity stalker story ever. I thought stalker are more creative – you know, like they get in the house through the chimney, pack themselves up in a cupboard and quietly jerk off snooping at them through tiny gap. 21st century stalkers suck.

According to reports, when security people told Miranda Tozier-Robbins to leave as she was on a private property and could be charged with trespassing, she disregarded their requests and stalked on hoping for an encounter with Britney Spears. The security didn’t put up with any of that and called sheriffs people who removed Miranda Tozier-Robbins from the property. The ex-American Idol turned Britney Spears stalker is now charged with trespassing and disorderly conduct. The mugshot of her awesomeness is above.

The biggest joke is that Britney Spears was not even at home when Miranda Tozier-Robbins went on her routine stalk around the house. What was she thinking she’d accomplish? Take a picture of her washroom and sell it to OK Magazine? Boring. She needs to get her logistics straightened out. You don’t go stalking Britney Spears unless Britney Spears is around. That is of course provided it wasn’t the security guy she wanted to stalk. In which case she can give herself a Borat toned: “GREAT SUCCESS!”

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I’m filing this under “Celebrities” even though Crystal McCahill really isn’t one. At least not yet, unless we count her appearance on The Girls Next Door. This could quickly change as Crystal McCahill is scheduled to appears in May issue of Playboy Magazine (Playboy still exists? You mean it’s 2009 and people would still pay for photos of overphotoshoped women with undeveloped labia and fake tits?) as Playboy’s Miss May 2009. But before the centerfold, Crystal McCahill unvolunterily introduces a different kind of photos of herself – mugshots. She was caught driving under influence on January 7, 2009 and must appear before a Cook County judge on March 19. Hmmm, who would have thought Playboy bunnies could drive. Perhaps DUI is how they do that…

Crystal McCahill was arrested for DUI after she drove through red light in Chicago. 25 year old future Playboy Miss told the police she only had three shots at Climax, a nightclub where she works (why does it not surprise me that aspiring Playboy model would start her career working at a nightclub?). The police smelled strong reek of alcohol coming from her mouth and her eyes were blood shot. Crystal McCahill blew a load from her lungs into an alcohol detector which shower her alcohol levels were twice the legal limit. Busted. Nice mugshot photo, BTW Miss Crystal McCahill.

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