Beer Steak Bullshit

That nasty thing in a photo above is Melissa Smith. Melissa Smith is a stripper who’s currently taking full advantage of the fact that she’s been the mistress of Jessie James for two years and looked around to sell her story to the highest bidder. It’s like the Tiger Woods case of transgressions happening all over again. Unfaithful, married people from the spotlight have affairs with mistresses and once the news of first comes to light, many more start emerging from the woodworks sensing the only opportunity in their life to get to the spotlight and fill in their bank accounts (or should I say “blank” accounts).

Melissa Smith met with Jessie James on the internet after he posted an online ad on MySpace that he’s looking for a large-breasted, tattooed model. Judging by the photo of Melissa Smith obtained by the Star Magazine, we have the following: large breasted – CHECK, tattooed – CHECK, model – LOL. Melissa Smith has the face of an overused trucker whore who’s been serving at a far away motel stop for way too long. How’s that for a model? Melissa Smith told the Star Magazine that:

After a few exchanges, he introduced himself as Jesse James and gave me his e-mail address with the name Vanilla Gorilla.

The e-relationship between an overused stripped and a cheater celebrity husband has evolved and a trip to California followed. Melissa Smith came to have a ride in one of Jessie James’ cars and ended up riding more than just the passenger’s seat. Afterall, you don’t travel to California for nothing. Their secretive relationship aka fucking behind the back of Sandra Bullock continued for two years. Jessie James never used protection during that time, however if you mostly do her up the ass and ejaculate in her eye sockets, the risk of unwanted pregnancy is diminished. I wouldn’t expect a trucker hooker to be able to bear children anyway. Herpes infestation must have killed all fertile eggs by now.

I can’t help but bring up the point nobody else does. This is the problem with contemporary journalism – people don’t understand people. They don’t see what’s behind the curtain, can’t read between the lines. So let me be the first to ask – how much does Sandra Bullock suck in bed? Let me ask that again cause you didn’t get it – Sandra Bullock quite possibly doesn’t give quality blowjobs, doesn’t swallow, doesn’t take it in the ass, doesn’t… fill in the blank. So what’s a guy supposed to do? Yes, Jessie James was married to a celebrity many men would wish to stick their man-sticks into, but perhaps if they knew what Jessie James knows, they wouldn’t be so eager. A husband whose wife keeps him happy in bed doesn’t need to go out of his way to look for spare pussy on MySpace. If Jessie James ended up desperate enough to even fuck someone like Melissa Smith or Michelle “Bobby” McGee, then how much did he have to be neglected by Sandra Bullock?

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This is the most disgusting thing I have seen in my whole life. Filthy hooker by the name of Veronica Siwik-Daniels, who functions as dysfunctional porn star with nick Joslyn James paid a lawyer to respond to today’s Tiger Woods Public Statement. The video of this ridiculousness is below and I truly can’t believe what I have just seen. How can someone be so openly fake and greedy? Veronica Siwik-Daniels – pull your dumb head out of your overused ass. Do everyone a favor and hide from public eye cause you’re an embarrassment to human race.

In her statement, Veronica Siwik-Daniels’ attorney Gloria Allred read the most ridiculous pile of crap one can allow out of their mouth. I don’t understand how the seat she was twitching on did not catch fire from the ass of Beelzebub himself by uttering this bullshit. Gloria Allred prepared a statement that was to portray her client Veronica Siwik-Daniels as a saint who fell in love with Tiger Woods and quite possibly instructed her to fake tears on camera for better effect. Veronica Siwik-Daniels did not care for Tiger Woods one bit ever. Not now, not in the past, not ever in the future. All she cared about was his money and that’s what she wants more of so she hired the attorney to get her some. People who are in love don’t hire lawyers to get an apology from someone. People pay lawyers in hopes that they will get much more as result out of someone with assets.

If you watch the video, you will feel like you want to poke kittens in their ears with knitting needles, but when she say that “My client deserves better than this” – at that point she pushes it way too far. What? Your client is a filthy whore who did not hesitate to force herself into the life of a married man despite her knowledge that he was married. She wanted his money and is still hungry for it. She fakes tears on camera like we can’t tell that she’s a fake. Veronica Siwik-Daniels aka Joslyn James is a porn star. She spreads her legs for random men for money as a profession. And here she wants us to believe that she was in love with Tiger Woods? Yeah right. She used to be in love with nothing but his money while the was his “mistress” and now she magically turned around and loves him for who he is? Yeah, I get it. Because there is no more a chance he would be feeding her with gifts and cash forwards in exchange for sexual services, so she wants to make as much off of the publicity as possible. If regular income is to stop because of Tiger Woods’ new way of life, then why not milk as much out of him in the last go as possible, right?

Gloria Allred wants Tiger Woods to apologize to Veronica Siwik-Daniels and explain why he lied to her, over and over again. Well, Mrs. Allred let me fill you in. You do not apologize to whores. You do not explain crap to whores. They suck your tool, you pay them, they shut their mouth. That’s how it works with prostitutes. They sell their bodies for money. That’s what Veronica Siwik-Daniels was doing, that’s where she got the money from to pay you in the first place.

Veronica Siwik-Daniels is not Tiger Woods’ wife. She’s never been and never will be. She’s a prostitute and a gold digger – plain and simple. She has never felt anything for him, she only loved his money. As such, was unable to express her feelings because there are now. Instead, she had to read the statement just as you did, because she doesn’t feel in her heart what you needed her to say. I’ve never seen anyone this fake and this corrupted. How can she live with herself and look in the mirror. What a disgusting piece of worthless flesh around vagina. Veronica Siwik-Daniels, you are unbelievably disgusting and so are you, Gloria Allred for staging this charade and instructing your “client” to take part in this circus.

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Much expected Public Statement by Tiger Woods is live right now. You can watch it via the UStream window above. Tiger Woods is going to say “I’m Sorry” several times and apologize over and over.

UPDATE:

Since some of you may have missed the Tiger Woods Public Statement in real time, I have updated the window with the video recording from his press conference as live streaming was no longer relevant to Tiger Woods. The public statement wasn’t really a press conference because the golfer was not accepting any questions from the media representatives and only addressed the public in presence of a few close friends, family and a couple of select media outlets. It was basically just a monologue read out of the paper which Tiger Woods had allegedly written by himself. It was full of self pity and assurances that he realizes what he had done and that he is working hard to amend things. Tiger Woods also apologized to his fans and supporters a few times and asked the media to leave his wife Elin Nordegren and kids alone. On top of that, in his public statement, Tiger Woods insisted that there has never been any domestic violence involved in his marriage with Elin Nordegren ever, including the alleged golf club incident during which Tiger Woods was rumored to have gotten beat up by his wife after she had found out about his “transgressions”. The video of Tiger Woods’ Public Statement is above.

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Golfers and non golfers alike are asking – where is Tiger Woods? Given that he was born on December 30, 1975, his 34th birthday is coming up but there’s gonna be no Tiger Woods Birthday Bash Party this year. At least not to an extent he may have been used to in previous years. Tiger Woods will never forget 2009 – the worst year in his life. Within a few days everything went down the pooper for world’s best golfer. But where is he now? Where is Tiger Woods? Anyone knows? Has the world moved on and quit focusing on his transgressions? I’d say it’s quite so… at least until another mistress comes out of woodworks looking to get her 5 minutes of fame preying on already devastated Tiger.

Last time we’ve heard of Tiger Woods it was when he asked for privacy to get his personal life in order. Well, here’s a newsflash for you, Tiger. Nobody cares about your “private life”. Nobody has either. What tabloids did care about was your “secret life”. Your private life you were SUPPOSED to live as per your wows you have given to Elin Nordegren has somehow slipped off your hands. The tabloid took you on simply because of your secret life. If 2009 was a shit year for you, it’s not because multimedia got on your ass. It’s because they got on your secret life’s ass. Your transgressions, your below the waste punches you had been delivering were exposed and that’s what ran you to the pooper. You had maintained your image as a devoted family man and loving husband for years. Successfully. While in your back pocket the cell phone was buzzing with text messaging from some whore in Las Vegas.

So where is Tiger Woods now? Well, let’s hope he’s truly trying to find himself. He’s 34 years old and he’s had it all. More than vast majority of us could ever dream of but success doesn’t come without obligations. Unless he’s capable of finding this balance within himself, he will have had it all, but deep inside he will have not.

Just when you thought you couldn’t take any more news about Tiger Woods and his transgressions, here comes another woman who feels she must take advantage of the man being down and take her own kick at him. Dina Parr used to bump her genitals with Tiger Woods’ when they were going out together during high school. As Tiger’s ex girlfriend, Dina Parr claims he used to call her crying because his dad Earl Woods was with another woman. Any woman whose voice is as annoying as that of Dina Parr (listening to her for just 15 seconds made me want to poke my ears with knitting needles) who says her boyfriend at a time was crying raises red flag on my bullshit radar instantly. All these bitches keep coming out of the woodwork it makes you wonder how much media outlets like E! Online pay them for bullshitting on camera.

The video of Dina Parr collecting her two minutes of fame with E! Online is below. Hope it was worth it, Dina:

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Funny or Die came with another skit video this time targeting the most talked about persona of last few weeks – Tiger Woods. In this “I’m Tiger Woods and I fuck bitches” video, the world’s most famous golfer sets the record straight and confesses to his sexual deviations. According to his words, Tiger Woods doesn’t pick up high class bitches (don’t get this fool you though, Ashley Dupre is NOT a high class bitch, she only charges a lot), he wants sloppiest bitches that can be found. Tiny midget girls with horns glued to their heads who would ram him like a bull till he comes, or would jerk off to a dog pooping on a table. Tiger Woods simply rocks like that, but then again, he’s no ordinary man. He’s Tiger Woods and he fucks bitches.

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You know it’s coming, right? Tiger Woods Sex Tape will be on your computer screen very soon. I’m sure Tiger Woods’ agents are working round the clock to make sure any possible recordings of his Ambien Sex parties with countless mistresses are erased from the surface of the world, but so are the bounty hunters who realize there is a high price tag on Tiger Woods Sex Tape. Everyone know that if there is a Tiger Woods sex tape, it will be the most famous sex tape in existence and whoever gets to own it, will cash in like there’s no tomorrow. Hence the price for scoring one would be in multimillion dollar figures.

When it rains on Tiger Woods, it pours on Tiger Woods. The only thing worse than all current scandals that could happen to him is the actual Tiger Woods Sex Tape. But he needs to fear not. If the Tiger Woods sex tape does leak and makes it on the internet, he will likely lose some of his endorsements, but he can always make a new pact with Ambien and become their face. I’m sure their stock is already sky high and so are sales. If he actually smiled for their ads, the money would be pouring in. Screw Nike and their stupid shoes. Ambien Sex is where it’s at. Now let’s see some ugly skanks sucking on that Black/Asian cock of his. Let’s have some Tiger Woods sex tape.

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I can’t help it OK? There’s been more than enough of Tiger Woods and his affairs with mistresses but even I believed at some point that he was living this life of a perfect family that’s setting up an example for all of us, hence I need to add some more shit on already stinky Tiger. Below is the transcript of a SMS text messaging exchange between Tiger Woods and one of his mistresses – Jaimee Grubbs. The text messages exchange is expectedly naughty giving little room to think that the Tiger Woods saga could possibly get any worse. Unless of course (and hopefully) someone leaks a Tiger Woods Sex Tape. Hellz yeah!

Tiger Woods: Hey Sexy I can’t come out this week. Something came up family wise (July 20, 3:04 p.m.)

Jaimee Grubbs: That’s okay I hope everything is fine … would have liked to see you

Tiger Woods: We will make it happen

Jaimee Grubbs: I drove out for the night to surprise a friend with a present for there birthday (July 26, 11: 22 p.m.)

Tiger Woods: what kind of present your naked body

Jaimee Grubbs: haha no a watch I slept alone

Tiger Woods: alone with him that is

Jaimee Grubbs: haha I wish

Jaimee Grubbs: miss u (Sept. 27, 6:38 p.m.)

Tiger Woods: now that’s hot so who is your new boy toy

Jaimee Grubbs: no new boy toy … still running dry… been on 2 real dates in the pat 2 months

Tiger Woods: I need you

Jaimee Grubbs: then get your tight ass over here and visit me! I need u

Tiger Woods: I will wear you out soon

Jaimee Grubbs: how soon? I got a new piercing

Tiger Woods: really. Where

Jaimee Grubbs: I just sent u a pic of it … is on my cheek below my eye … implanted a little diamond

Tiger Woods: send it again. I didn’t pick up on that

Tiger Woods: you just need some attention from me

Tiger Woods: do you have a boy friend (8:45 p.m.)

Jaimee Grubbs: I don’t even have someone I am dating … no … u can be my boyfriend

Tiger Woods: then I am

Jaimee Grubbs: I wish

Tiger Woods: quiet and secretively we will always be together

Tiger Woods: when was the last time you got laid

Jaimee Grubbs: if we hang out on a Sundway we can watch desperate houswives again haha (Sept. 30, 3:38 p.m.)

Tiger Woods: oh god

Jaimee Grubbs: take a break from watching boring old golf

Jaimee Grubbs: I mean the amazing sport of golf

Jaimee Grubbs: [more than an hour later] babe I was kidding

Tiger Woods: I know sexy

Jaimee Grubbs: is it orange county time yet? (Oct. 1, 6:06 p.m.)

Tiger Woods: oh stop

Jaimee Grubbs: hahaha I know … but you canceled on me last time so the anticipation is killing me … im finding myself watching sports center … haha j/k it isn’t that bad

Tiger Woods: its never been that bad

Jaimee Grubbs: very true … I only watch football

Tiger Woods: Figured you would say that. Big black guys.

Jaimee Grubbs: u are my first, last and only black guy! U should feel special

Tiger Woods: why do I not believe that?

Tiger Woods: [later, in response to Jaimee's mention of a date who was "full of himself"] you kinda like that for some reason which is weird why you decided on me.

Tiger Woods: having an asian mother and a military father you cannot and will not ever be full of yourself

Jaimee Grubbs: I have fun with u, you always make me smile and I am not afraid to be myself or say anything to u … the day I met u I thought u were going to kick me out a few times but for someone reason you didn’t and u have told me numerous times I talk to much but slowly as I get to know u iI think your absolutely amazing

Tiger Woods: you are wrong I’m bone thugs in harmon

Jaimee Grubbs: Something wrong babe?I was excited to sepnd time with u this week (Oct. 15, 6:40 p.m.)

Tiger Woods: I will you Sunda night. Its the only night in which I am totally free but I have to leave at 530 Monday morning to drive up to the valley for an outing for one of my sponsors. See you at 8 pm on Sunday in newport

Tiger Woods: don’t text me back till tomorrow morning. I have to many people around me right now

Tiger Woods: send me something very naughty (Oct. 18, 3:40 p.m.)

Jaimee Grubbs: some things are worth waiting for lol … besides im at work

Tiger Woods: go to the bathroom and take it

Jaimee Grubbs: haha ur too much

Jaimee Grubbs: are u leaving me cause your wife is still in newport I am lonely now … i like falling asleep in your arms (Oct. 18, 11:38 p.m.)

Tiger Woods: sorry baby I just can’t sleep. Its just a problem I have.

Tiger Woods: she is not here. They left this morning

Jaimee Grubbs: well I appreciate you not wanting to wake me up but if y couldn’t sleep I would have rather sat up and talked to u more … find out why I keep falling more and more for u

Tiger Woods: Because I’m blasian

Tiger Woods: I’m sorry babe. Im already home.

Jaimee Grubbs: I’m putting my underwear back on … thats a no no … come take them off

Tiger Woods: you are too funny

Tiger Woods: happy thanksgiving to you (Nov. 26, 11:16 a.m.)

Jaimee Grubbs: u too love

How do these text messages leak all the time anyway? Are there no more privacy laws of sorts? U4nless of course it’s Jaimee Grubbs herself that transcribed this SMS conversation and gracefully shared out of her own interest. This is a likely scenario as Jaimee Gribbs likely used to think that she was the only “special” and “secret” girl in Tiger Woods’ life but as the list of his mistresses kept growing, she realized that she was just another pussy on his dick. She was nothing special to him and nothing special to anyone else. Bitch got mad and posted the text messages she’s exchanged with Tiger Woods. Now you see who you shoved your Black/Asian dick into, Tiger? Filthy. In this day and age when everything is ruled by in internet, there is no such thing as “What happens in Vegas, stay in Vegas”. These days it’s all about “What happens in Vegas, makes it on the internet within minutes”. Poor Tiger Woods.

Golf Digest, a popular magazine about golf features two biggest failures of 2009 on their January issue cover – Tiger Woods and Barack Obama. The Golf Digest cover also bears a title of the story which reads: “10 Tips Obama Can Take From Tiger.” Obviously, the editors of Golf Digest have no idea what they are talking about. The story should have been named as I have implied above: “Two Biggest Failures of 2009″. That would have been more appropriate and accurate.

According to a spokesperson associated with Golf Digest, the January issue was put together two weeks prior to Tiger Woods’ scandals and the article inside does not address any of that. Yet they are not considering to pull the issues from the shelves. Still, it’s precious timing how they managed to photoshop two biggest failures of 2009 before they both crown themselves as such. Hilarious.

Since you all have Tiger Woods oozing out of your asses by now, let’s talk about choosing right passwords for use on the internet. Screw that, no matter what you do, you won’t choose right password. You can either have a password you will naturally remember after some time has passed, or you can have a password that’s impossible to guess, but you will have no idea what it was three months from now. Passwords are mean like that. The best way to choose right password is to take a baby word you use with your Thai hooker and abuse it – misspell it in a way not even someone as slow as the hooker herself would. Capitalize last letter of the word (first is too easy) and add a sequence of three numbers. Make it your birthday backwards. If your day and month of birth adds up to being a four digit sequence, cut the last digit. Voila, here you are with strong password you didn’t have to choose. You built it and you will remember it.

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