Beer Steak Bullshit

This is Whitney Houston? Really? Shouldn’t she have denture falling out of her mouth and labia hanging over her underwear? That can’t be her!

The picture above is supposed to be the cover for Whitney Houston’s new album titled Undefeated. I’m not entirely sure what it is I’m missing here, but Whitney either hired an insane team of photoshop artists or she’s just returned from the deep forests of far east where she’d spent time with tribe secret monks who know the secret to eternal youth.

That would also explain the title - “Undefeated”. She’s gain some supernatural powers out in that wilderness. There’s probably a giant “cougar” hiding behind her heel. Run, Whitney Houston’ll get you…

Kellie Pickler has been my favorite since her Hungary fiasco at Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? However, she’s a hot ho and can sing, even though I’m not a fan of country or whatever you call that music. Kellie Pickler performed her song “Best Days of Your Life” at CMA Awards 2008 in Nashville last night. The 2008 rendition was the 42nd of annual CMA Awards and Kellie Pickler who’s native of Albemarle, N.C didn’t win. She was outbeat by Lady Antebellum.

Congrats to all the winners. Kellie Pickler CMA Awards 2008 video is below. This was the first time I’ve heard Kelly Pickler sing… I’ve got to admit she looks pretty damn good in skin tight leather. Even with that slutty blond hair.

Paris Bennett Gave Birth to a Baby Girl Named Egypt

From Paris to Egypt. American Idol star Paris Bennett gave birth to a baby girl whom she named Egypt. I wander if that’s her revenge for her parents giving her a geographical location name.

Associate press is reporting that 20 year old Paris Bennett got man sperm in her vagina so bad it made her pregnant and now she spawned a kid in a hospital in Minneapolis. She was in labor for 5 hours. This is her first kid.

Paris Bennett was a contestant in season five of American Idol and finished fifth. There’s too many fives in that. But consider this - had I not just said above that Paris Bennett was in labor for five hours? Plus how many letters do names Paris and Egypt consist of? Is anyone else surprised that little Egypt weighted “5 pounds” and fifteen ounces when born? Paris Bennett should play the lottery and pick all the numbers with 5 in it.

Eddie Van Halen, 53 year old guitarist of legendary Van Halen is got engaged to Janie Liszewski, Van Halen manager and Eddie’s publicist and girlfriend.

Eddie Van Halen proposed to Janie Liszewski back in August in Hawaii and guess what - the bitch said “Yes”. It’s now official - the two are engaged? Insiders say Eddie kneeled before her to propose and bitch accepted on the spot.

Is this really how engagement works? You take a bitch to Hawaii and tell her you want to tie a penis knot with her clitoris and voila - away you go? Is that how it works with engagements? I’ve never been engaged, I have no fucking clue how it works. What I know, is that the next thing you do is diamond ring shopping, cause that’s how it’s done when you get engaged and then you get married and have post marital sex, like every good Christian. Then you make lots of babies, go to church every Sunday and out for a few with your buddies once a week - life is good.

Eddie Van Halen is no newb to getting engaged. Before Janie Liszewski, he was married to Valerie Bertinelli for 16 years. He’s got a son with Wolfgang her. 16 years - that’s a long ass time to remain married. And who the hell names their son Wolfgang?

Janie Liszewski is a 38 year old ho who’s never been married before. Talk about determined gold digger. She saved her virginity to score a big one.

Janie Liszewski and Eddie Van Halen are scheduling the wedding for June of 2009.

Oh, Van Halen still make shit loads of money - BTW. They are in top 10 richest rockers of 2008, according to Forbes. Janie Liszewski scored herself a gold mine.

Janet Jackson fell sick before her concert in Bell Centre, Montreal and had to be hospitalized. The concert was cancelled last minute. I guess she can count herself lucky she got sick during the sound check and not during the shot itself. We’d surely have a cell phone video of Janet Jackson barfing on the stage with stomach warm spaghetti landing on faces of front row fans. I’d totally post that shit, but that didn’t happen. Timing was on her side. By the time the concert was supposed to start, Janet Jackson was already hospitalized. Fans (she has fans?) in other town where she was stopping on her “Rock Witchu” tour are uncertain if this Montreal hospitalization will affect their show too.

Spokes bitches wouldn’t release any more details so at present time it is not know what Janet Jackson was hospitalized with. I tell you kids… Chlamydia ain’t your friend. No symptoms, but it quietly eats up your vagina. Or maybe she just got sick of wearing those stupid costumes for decades. I mean that shit has got to mess with your head sooner or later.

Rock Witchu is Janet Jackson’s first tour after seven years. It was started in Vancouver on September 7, 2008. Hope it doesn’t end on September 30 in Montreal hospital. Janet Jackson is a 42 year old MILF.

Janet Jackson Photo by AP

Pink - Funhouse Album Cover Art

Pink has not retired from music yet? I hope she’s not trying to be a sex symbol of new teen generation. I’m not a teen no more, but I’m pretty sure they don’t give a stinking dump about 68 year olds anymore. Pink doesn’t care obviously, which is not necessarily a bad thing as I like her bare foot stretched out like that. That’s her newly unveiled cover art for the upcoming album titles Funhouse.

Singer Pink, whose real name is real name Alecia Moore managed to make Funhouse an album about her personal shit again. The marriage to motocross star Carey Hart that went into shitter is covered back and forth in Funhouse like anyone cares.

Pink insisted that they are insanely in love with each other and that their love is forever and always and some girly shit like that. What is the dumb whore 16? She should wake the fuck up and grow up. There ain’t no love.

MTV’s 2008 VMA (Video Music Awards) started to look pretty boring, but luckily Pink came on the scene and saved the day with her wardrobe malfunction. She had a little nip slip, that’s almost unseeable and really boring, but that was the only exciting part at these VMAs. Seriously, what kind of music awards is it if there are no scandals attached to it. And there was nothing. I’m digging and digging and all I see is boring shit. Pink Wardrobe Malfunction was the best there is. You actually have to focus real hard to spot the nip slip and YouTube removed all better quality videos already so only crappy quality is available, but yeah - Pink Wardrobe Malfunction - Nip Slip At VMA video is the only little excitement besides Britney Spears mind-blowing opening speech.

This wardrobe malfunction will not make it as big as Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake one from 2004. There’s a little buzz about it, but it’ll be forgotten soon. Pink was singing her song “So What” from her upcoming album “Funhouse” and her boob with nipple came out of her loose dress as she was jumping up and down the stage like wounded donkey.

Video is below. Look for Pink Wardrobe Malfunction there somewhere. It’s pretty boring though.

Pink Wardrobe Malfunction Image Credit: Matt Sayles, AP Photo

Despite Britney Spears Gimme More MTV Awards 2007 Fiasco performance, Brit Brit was invited to bring on the opening speech at 2008 MTV Awards and mind-blowing opening speech it was. Britney Spears got everyone stunned with her touching words. Quoting Brit Brit:

“Thank you so much. Thank you for all the love. I’m here tonight to celebrate a very important birthday, the 25th anniversary of the VMAs. This is the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards and it starts right now.”

Isn’t that the most mind-blowing opening speech you have ever heard in your entire life? Like wow…

Below is the video of that memorable speech, but you either need to fast forward to get to the end or you’d have to be in the mood of watching the opening skit with Jonah Hill, the guy from Superbad. I could not stand that shit, I went right to the end cause that shit was painful. Britney Spears looked cute though.

So I intentionally avoided the whole VMA MTV Awards madness last night and decided to watch online porn again instead. It doesn’t look like I’ve missed much. Britney Spears and her opening speech must have been the highlight any way you spin it. Congrats to the winners though. This was the 25th anniversary of the MTV Awards. Good for them.

The pic of Britney Spears is from the VMA press conference. Video of her MTV Awards opening speech is below.

Britney Spears MTV Awards Image Credit: Splash News

Here’s another internet superstar. Kate McAlpine has a YouTube profile under the nick Alpinekat and her call to fame? Kate McAlpine raps about particle physics and the 17 mile circumference machine called Large Hadron Collider (LHC), which is about to starts up on September 10, 2008.

You probably didn’t understand a thing of what I just said in that last sentence and neither do I. This is what I was able to learn about it (Kate McAlpine kind of explains it with her rap) - there’s a particle physics lab close to Geneva in Switzerland known as CERN. They’ve been working for 14 years on a machine called Large Hadron Collider (LHC), which they believe will find new particles, such as Higgs boson that give subjects weight characteristics, or the dark matter - the source of gravity, or antimatter that is believed to cancel matter. I’m as clueless about it as you are. Don’t ask…

Kate McAlpine is a 23 year old chick who raps about that stuff. She’s young and hot and all, but where’s the booty. Alpinekat, if you’re going to rap, show some booty or else it’s the waste of time. Regardless of how hot you are. You got to shake some of that booty, oil it up and show it in slim thong. What do you think rap is for? Science?

Kate McAlpine is getting popular on YouTube, though. She uploaded her video Large Hadron Rap a month ago and it already had over 600 000 views. That’s from an unknown author. I know that Chris Crocker can get 600k views in a manner of hours, but he’s Britney Spears’ gay twin sister. That gives him advantages.

BTW - I didn’t last through entire rap. I could not find any booty in it for over a minute so I got bored. Let’s just hope Kate McAlpine gets the memo and takes off some clothes next time. Ans let’s hope that Large Hadron Collider doesn’t get us owned when it’s turned on (did I just use words “hardon” and “turned on” in a single sentence?). I’ve already paid for a trip to Cuba I’m taking later this year.

It’s long weekend here in Canada and I just thought I’d screw it up for you with some truly awful singing. This is Guylene Rosange and her absolutely mindblowing performance singing My Heart Will Go On song by Celine Dion at X Factor 2008 auditions.

At least I think this was an audition, don’t tell me the actual X-Factor features star performers like Guylene Rosange. I don’t really watch that shit, I find Simon Cowell seriously obnoxious but at least the X Factor doesn’t have that super obnoxious Paula Abdul.

So Guylene Rosange gave it a try. I don’t think it quite went for her as she would ahve imagined and rightfully so. She truly was singing notes that have not yet been invented, as Simon Cowell said. Let’s just hope Celine Dion doesn’t get to see it or she’s gonna stab herself in the head with pencil.

Guylene Rosange is out of X Factor 2008, may the best singer win. Damn…